scared

so i'm working really hard on those two grant proposals. it's worth it, i need them! i might have a good chance at the first one. a slight chance at the second one. it's always worth trying. i also worked a little bit on my tq article... i'm very scared and ... just scared, that's all, it's like i don't know where to start, how to do it, and i am paralyzed by fear. but i've worked on it. so, two good things.

the thing that bothers me a lot, though, is about the irb application thingy. i have to fill out this form and write a "research narrative" or something like that, and i did write it (ok, it took me about an hour) and then sent it to margie... and margie returned it a couple of days later (although it's spring break, this woman is the coolest!) ... cut by half and practically entirely rewritten. i write and write and ramble (like on this blog) and am sooo wordy and damn unorganized! if i had taken about 3 hours, i could have done better, that's for sure, but still, it's the style, the way to say things precisely, to the point, and 200 things in one short sentence and it is so well said, with the perfect words, words that i never use and that are so educated. that's why i am not a good writer, and i hate it. i read so much, i've always read, and shouldn't that make me a great writer?? i once read this article discussing international students at american univeresities. the writer, a teacher in the science department, complained that he always had to practically entirely rewrite his international students' theses. i always thought, yeah, it's because they're in the sciences, those guys don't know how to write... but i'm super afraid margie's going to have to rewrite my dissertation. she rewrote my questions for my questionnaires, my irb proposal, she'll rewrite my grant proposals... this is highly discouraging! i don't know what to do. honestly, to write that well, i'd take 5 times more time than i do now, and even then, it wouldn't come even close. are there classes that i can take? should i take the "graduate writing for international students" class that i want to teach next fall?? very disheartening!