why the blog?

i am not writing this blog to be read. at least not by a regular audience who will love and applaud and get addicted to my writing. far from it. i'm writing for myself, to remember because i never remember, to take notes of important facts, to see the progression of my work (or lack thereof), and to complain. i could write on paper or not publish all that, but the reason why i do publish it is because it might be useful for someone (don't be insane like me, don't try to be an overachiever, don't think YOU can do it, don't think you'll get irb approval where all others have failed!). i have four regular visitors: one from tamu.edu, one from unh.edu, one from purdue.edu, and of course, my mostest favoritest one from scotland. other people come and go, like now i have someone from japan coming regularly, and someone else from the east coast... and all i am hoping is that some of these people are teachers or phd students and that what they read here will help them make smarter choices and advise their students better. nobody told me that trying to get 30 irb approvals was like trying to make the americans love the french: no matter how hard you try, there is just no hope that it will ever happen.

so yeah, this place is for me. if you like it, fine. i wouldn't read it if i were someone else, because all i do is complain. it's ok with me. it's the point. no one listens to my complaints because no one knows what the hell i'm doing. my advisor doesn't know, and the rest of my committee doesn't have a clue what i'm doing either. except for the two psych guys, i'm entirely on my own. and it's not fun. maybe it's the point of doing a phd, trying to survive loneliness, but there's something i didn't realize before i chose my topic: no one in an english department can be expected to be an expert in psychology and in statistics!

on a scale from 0 to 10, 0 being "i don't know what the hell i'm doing, i don't know what i'm getting into, and i don't know the implications of what i want to do" and 10 being "i know VERY WELL what this all is," i started with a 3, last fall. this is normal, i think. my master's thesis really didn't teach me much, just the very basic ideas of doing research and using stats. then my advisor gave me fox' dissertation and that took me to a 4. fox gave me the first clue that i had to go farther for my dissertation than for my master's thesis. then i found that really excellent book about doing research in language programs, in april. that got me to a 5. i hope you noticed that i wasted an entire semester NOT KNOWING what i was doing or supposed to do! meeting with fox and then with the two psych guys took me to an easy 6. that's when i really started to know at least where to look for answers, and in what direction i had to go. working on my own all summer and then meeting with the psych guys again recently took me to a 7, and i think i'm almost at an 8 now that i'm reading this monster handbook of attitude. i finally understand the implications and the real psychological and statistical issues of what i'm doing/should be doing. what i should have been doing all that time. what people should have told me to read in january. what i didn't even know existed all that time! why my research project will suck because it's too late now but hey, i've done the best i could, it's frustrating but that's life. i'll do it better next time!

anyway, all that to say that i don't need stupid comments. i'm hesitant to cancel the "comments" function because i enjoy the encouraging and funny and smart comments too much. that's what i need. intelligent encouragements. and to laugh. and help. because i don't always know what i'm doing. for the depressing stuff, i can do it myself very well thank you, no need to add to it. oh, and another thing: a post on a blog is a moment in time. it doesn't represent a whole day, the 10000 emotions felt that day, the excellent pizza i had for lunch, the fun time i had playing with my cats, or the good movie i saw the night before. it just represents the way i feel at the moment i choose to write. it's not the whole me, it's maybe 1/10000th of me.

as for the people from tamu and unh, i'd love to know why you keep reading this, honestly. if it's because you're doing something similar, or if you need reasurance that you're not the only one who suffers through a phd, or if you've bet $500 that i'd never make it alive to the end ;) if that's so, sorry to disappoint you, i might complain a lot and go through hell every day, but i'll make it! it's the day i stop complaining that you should start worrying seriously about me.

ok, just for my favoritest person from scotland, i'll tell a potentially good news: i've sent an email to tons of groups of international students at purdue to ask them to help me with the back translations of my questionnaires... and as i'm getting a few responses back from people, i'm starting to realize that this might be a great opportunity to meet some really cool, cute, fun, sexy, interesting, smart, rich, single people :D