nnest caucus chair

the first time i realized that was at the caucus social. i was eating dinner with everyone, and i was talking with three really cool women from denmark, turkey, and china. and it was fun! and as we were laughing and sharing ideas and telling about our lives, i was thinking that the previous chair could never have done that. i don't know if it was an age thing, or a gender thing, or whatever else... and i'm not saying that the previous chair(s) was not a wonderful guy who did not do tons of great work for the caucus! i hope i can have his energy and strength! what i'm saying is that i will have a very different relationship with the members of our caucus from the one he did. i will be able to make some members feel more "seen" or "valued" or "important" maybe... and the emails i've started receiving since i got back from san antonio say exactly that. one person said that before, she felt like the caucus was "exclusive" and she didn't feel very comfortable speaking up, volunteering, or participating. i will try to change that. i guess i'm just "appealing" to a different audience, and i hope i won't lose the other people, those who did feel comfortable with the way the caucus was until now.

i have worked at least 2 hours per day so far with this caucus thing, and i need to do more, because of the proposal deadlines. this is scaring me, and it's very hard because i wish i could ask for help, but at the same time, i don't want people to think i'm unable to do the job. for example yesterday, i publicly announced that someone had been given the position of listserv manager, and someone wrote me and said "XYZ asked for the position first, did you let him know that he wasn't getting it or didn't you see that he had applied?" this kind of comment really doesn't make me want to ask for help any more than i HAVE to!

same thing with the colloquium. i had an idea, and the past chair said no no no, do this instead, trust me, i know what i'm talking about, blah blah blah. and it's sooo hard for me to decide how much i rely on his experience, because he DOES know what he's talking about, he was chair for 2 years, or how much i can say that maybe my ideas are good too, even if they're not the same as his. i am still trying to find a way to compromise, but it's going to be tough, and i hope this kind of situation won't last too long and that some people will start trusting me and/or helping me as if i were a responsible adult and not a child.