Analytical mind

my first love was organic chemistry. yeah. i love to understand how things work, to apply rules, and to figure things out. i hate to have to admit that, but i would have loved my syntax class if my teacher had not driven me crazy, because i loved to look at how the deep structures of french and english differ and try to understand how rules could be created about french. or whatever language. and i'd enjoy my phonology class too if it were presented in a manner that i could understand. not that i don't understand... sometimes i just need to make a little effort because it's easier to be lazy, but anyway, i think i will enjoy the problems with different languages and stuff.

same thing with my master's thesis. i loved to say 70% of the students said yes to this question at the beginning of the semester and 90% said yes to the same question at the end of the semester, now what does that mean? it was a lot of guessing work, finding clues, looking at how variables influenced one another, and trying to put things together so it made sense. i loved that, and i was good at that. in the end, even if this kind of research design has limitations, the answers are clear and clean. and what research design doesn't have limitations anyway!? and i'm not saying this because i think it's easier. i know it's difficult too, but i know that it's a way of thinking that i understand and can be good at.

that's what i'm good at. being efficient, fast, and trying to find clear-cut answers. i should have gone into chemistry. now i am in the humanities, and i understand that you can never have clear-cut answers when dealing with human beings, but you can still TRY and do your best. i want things to be clean, and with this kind of research, i already know my limitations, i know the kinds of problems i will encounter, i know the answers, and i know how to work to demonstrate them. how did i get this kind of mind? dad? i was never good at math or physics or anything, which is why i didn't go into chemistry, in the end. but i was good at statistics. i understood it and could play with it well. i feel frustrated because i know i have this ability but i am not asked to use it. it's like i'm not using half of my brain.

so i keep talking about this and i don't even know how things are really going to go, since this is only the third week of the semester, but i am worried about the type of research i'll have to do and the methodology i will eventually be "forced" to use. i wish people would just tell me what to do once and for all, i would do it even if i hated it, and we'd be done. i'd even be done faster if i hated it, maybe... but i know that i'll be the most efficient if i'm allowed to work the way my mind works.

ok, so i've never written a dissertation, and really i know i know nothing... i'm just a snob and a pretentious chick...

... but this book that i'm reading about writing your dissertation in 15 minutes a day insists on finding out the way you function, how you work best, your working style, stuff like that...