D-Day -1 !!!!

yep, tomorrow might be the last day of my life i'm not ABD! hah! whatever.

saw T. today to ask him if he had read my prospectus and could think of anything problematic he could hold against me, he said no, everything looked fine. saw S. then, and was going to ask her the same thing but she said she hadn't read the thing yet, she still had 48 hours so why was i rushing her... huhu... i said ok, i'll ask you tomorrow then... or i guess i'll ask you on wednesday... she said, yeah, i'll tell you on wednesday! hah... dammit! she's nice. but she seems like she's nice and then could be mean. but i've had to deal with her about serious stuff and she really was nice. but she always scares me somehow... couldn't ask B. because i couldn't find him, and anyway, scott tells me he never reads things until the night before.

am i scared? yep.

not scared of the defense itself, i like to talk about my stuff and i'm comfortable speaking in public. but i'm scared of meeting these people for the first time, really. not literaly, obviously, but meeting them for the first time as my committee, as people who will work with me on this @&$^!@&^%@# dissertation for the next decade or so. scared of how picky they'll be, how slow or fast in their feedback, how helpful, how similar or different in their requests, how encouraging, how... anyway... i have never worked with S. and B. and T. either, really, i just had a couple of classes with him. wouah, yeah i'm scared.

so scared actually that i've had bad headaches for the last 3 days... and i keep eating junk food and all the time... and i sleep a lot too, too much, with sleeping pills... and i feel like everything's blury and unclear, like my brain's not functionning, like the lights are on but i'm not there. result of my car accident? or the defense? or anxiety about my trip home? or all of the above??