stress

stress, as in "there is too much stress on this rope, it's going to snap" is what's inside me. and i snap from time to time. i have absolutely NO reasons to feel this way and i'm mad that i do. i snap at my cat, at people, i cry for no reasons... why?? i passed the prelims! i don't have too much to do yet for the prospectus! i only really have one class and i think i'll handle it, even if it's with a B. why???

i need to swim. but where and how and when?

thank god time flies and we'll be in december before i know it. i hope.

thesis

i don't remember how i worked for my master's thesis. too bad, because i worked quite well, if i recall. i know i had to write the first few chapters for my specific classes and that helped. i remember writing my chapter 2 in one weekend and feeling amazingly good about it. then, after chapter 3, i stopped thinking about my thesis for a while since i was back in europe and no longer a student at byu... but then, when i came back, i finished my chapter 4 in one summer. i remember writing on my bed for hours, going crazy about the neighbor's dog which was constantly barking, and i was calling the cops about three times a week. but i was writing. i think the data analysis is the easiest part, since all you have to do is look at what the statistcs tell you and write it down so it makes sense in words too. boring but easy. chapter 5 was just a summary of the whole thing, i think, so it must not have been too hard. i really can't remember much. from here, it looks like it was not too hard, but i am sure that if i go back to my old journals, i'll see that i hated it and had the hardest time in my life! started one winter, wrote chapters 1 and 2 that winter, wrote chapter 3 the following fall in my research design class, got kicked out, came back and worked on chapter 4 that summer and a little in the fall, but i remember that i didn't do much in the fall because i was just teaching, not taking any classes, and it was just fun. plus i was still recovering from the winter's surgery. and then i finished the whole thing mid-winter semester and defended it in march i think, or beginning of april. i could have graduated then, but i wanted to work that summer before coming to purdue so i didn't make the last changes to my final draft until the middle of summer and officially graduated that august.

so what kind of rythme can i have, now, to write every day? two hours a day? three pages a day? however long i can survive whenever i feel like writing? nah, that doesn't work well. i MUST tell myself something like "you can't write anything on your blog or even read anything from there until you have written at least 3 pages every day!" agh, that'll be so hard. the written part could work, but the reading? i don't think i can live without knowing what comments i got and what other people said on their blogs. so maybe i could make a deal like "first, you look at your comments. then you write 2 pages and then you read other people's blogs. finally, you write 2 more pages and write a new entry on your blog." how's that? could i survive that much? do i do that every morning? that'd be the best, because in the evening i'm dead tired and sometimes have classes late. so, wake up at 8 every morning and go for that? yeah, i should try. i MUST finish quickly, i MUST get working on this.

things i need to do right now:
- get this proposal going,
- talk to margie about: the committee, the schedule she wants me to work on, the expectations for drafts and feedback, and regular meetings,
- keep looking for more literature, at least the things i can get for now, since i am still not sure exactly what the scope of the research will be,
- get this TQ article revised and resubmitted. i tried this morning and it's tough, i don't know how i'll do it. i have no idea how to do what the reviewers said i should do. maybe i could ask april for help... i am tempted to give up on that but i know it's too previous and valuable, so i'll keep trying. damn.
- work for my phonology class and manage to at least get a B in it otherwise i'd have to take it again and that'd be dumb!

committee

margie will be a great advisor, one of those mentor-coach-editor-counselor types of person that i need. T. will be good too, i've heard he's a great and careful editor and resource. then i don't know. i have S. on my committee right now, but margie didn't seem very enthusiastic about that... i chose her because of her "program director" experience, but i could also choose someone from the education program, like J.G., my human resources teacher from last spring, who seems to be a great person, but she's half-retired, i think, and may not be very interested in what i'm doing. A. didn't seem enthusiastic about my invitation to be on my committee, and she and margie don't get along well from what i've heard... i'd love to have her on my committee though, for the whole questionnaire creating and analysing parts of the research. she said it was too much work for not enough recognition. i thought of asking dr. H. from byu, but he was a little difficult to work with on my thesis, already, so i can't imagine it will be easier from far away. diane strong-kraus is good at testing, but i don't know how she works with her students and never talked to her about being on my committee. G. would be great to have, but i've just heard from one of his ex-students that he's hard to work with, plus he's super busy all the time, so i don't know how that'd work. he might be good to have as the 4th committee member, though, for the name and also because he knows this topic so well. so... margie, T., someone, and G.?

motivation

i'm motivated right now. don't know how long it will last, but i'm feeling good about this stuff right now. let's hope it'll last more than a few days...
i'm reading this "write your dissertation in 15 minutes per day" book that chris recommended. so far so good... maybe it'll help me.

draft 1

The topic I’m interested in is the differences between teachers who teach their native language and those who teach a language they have learned as a foreign language. Much literature has been written about the differences between native and nonnative speakers and the definitions of these terms (especially Davies, 2003), so I am definitely not interested in adding to that. The problem, though, is that so-called nonnative speakers still have a very difficult time finding teaching jobs in ESL or EFL contexts. As Braine (TESOL conference, April 2004) explained, things are moving very slowly and language school administrators are still not convinced that nonnative speakers of English can make good English teachers. Some research has been done about the feelings of those teachers about their perceived abilities and how they thought their students accepted and respected them, but very little has been done about the opinions of the students themselves. What has been done so far is:
- Research on the opinion of ESL students in a US program about their nonnative teachers, at the beginning and the end of a semesters, to verify if exposure to their teachers would make the students realize that they are good teachers (time variable) (Moussu, 2002),
- Research on the opinions of university students learning English in Hong Kong, about their opinions of their native and nonnative teachers (first language variable) (Cheung, 2002),
- Research on the opinions of students, teachers, and school administrators in US ESL programs about their opinions of who was the strengths and weaknesses of native and nonnative teachers (school administrators variable) (Mahboob, 2003).

Most of this research has been done with International TAs and not with nonnative ESL/EFL teachers. Nothing has been done about ESL vs. EFL, and nothing has been done about the variable of time in EFL contexts. Nothing has really been done, either, about the opinions of students about their ESL (or EFL teachers) comparing native and nonnative teachers over time. I believe that the ESL vs. EFL difference is the most important one, since results of such a study could help teachers decide if they have a better chance teaching in an ESL or EFL context and see the pros and the cons of those two different settings. Time is also important, since many students might have a negative impression of their new nonnative teacher but realize later that they are, after all, good teachers. This variable could help convince program administrators of the value of hiring nonnative teachers. Finally, very little research has been done about what teacher and student variables influence the students’ responses (such as first language of the teachers or the students, age, international experiences, etc.). Looking at the variables that influence the students’ responses would be important (for example if students from a certain language or age group respond differently from students from other language or age groups, or if the foreign appearance of a teacher is seen more negatively than a strong foreign accent, for example). Of course, not much can be done about appearance, but much can be done about the classes one chooses to teach, and administrators can assign teachers to the classes where they are the most valued.

What I would like to do is use questionnaires and maybe interviews to ask students in ESL programs and students in EFL programs for their opinions about their nonnative AND native teachers at the beginning of a given year or semester, and then at the end of that year or semester, for example in two programs in the US and two programs in France or one in France and one in Germany. I would then analyze the responses to see what teacher and student variables would make a difference in the opinions of the students, and finally write a set of recommendations for teacher trainers, the ESL/EFL teachers, and language school administrators. My variables would then be:
- ESL vs. EFL
- Native vs. nonnative (I find this variable important because it would allow me to verify that it is really the teachers’ nonnativeness that the students don’t like, and not just the personality of the teachers),
- Beginning vs. end of program
- Students vs. administrators’ opinions

The problems that I see and the questions I have with this research are:
- It will be difficult to compare two very different groups of students (ESL and EFL) and two four different groups of teachers (ESL, EFL, native, and nonnative teachers),
- It will be difficult to work in more than one country, especially if I want to conduct interviews (maybe I could have e-mail “interviews”),
- Do I want to work with the students only, or with the administrators too, or even with the teachers?
- The time variable will not be a problem in the US but other countries won’t have programs that are of the same length,
- What kind of EFL program am I talking about? University students learning English, or independent language programs such as the Wall Street Institute schools that can be found in several countries?

yes or no?

looks like i have passed my prelims. margie announced, in front of all the esl students, that "three students have successfully passed their prelims" and later told me she wasn't supposed to tell me but could tell me things had gone well.

so i guess i'll keep that nnest topic. the problem is that i hate it and am bored to death with it!
the advantage is that it'll go fast. for example i won't have to work a lot for the literature review, which is very nice.

questions:

- esl only or efl too?
- nnests or itas too?
- students only or teachers too?
- questionnaires only or interviews too?
- comparing nnests with nests?
- only one semester?
- administrators?
- TIME for sure!

esl AND efl is difficult because it would require a lot of traveling, twice, to administer questionnaires at the beginning and the end of the semester. even harder if i have to interivew people all the time. i don't think it's possible, but it would be so much nicer to have an efl setting!!!! let's see... i think i could survive if i was doing efl too... say, once in france and one in colombia or something... that'd make my study soooo much nicer! then i couldn't interview people all the time or else i'd have to have EMAIL INTERVIEW!? that's an idea... complicated... but let than to travel back and forth three or four times a semester. then i'd only have to go there at the beginning and the end of the semester, which is already a lot but would be nice.

what if i had two latin american countries? that'd simplify the story. or two european countries... boring but even easier. france and germany... something like that. then i'd have those parameters:

- esl vs. efl
- beginning vs. end of semester
- maybe nests vs. nnests
- ...

the problem with efl is that i won't find exactly the same type of program than in esl: 14 weeks, language program, etc. does that matter? should i do it over a year? not possible in esl. does TIME matter (# of weeks) or EXPOSURE (beginning to end of program)?

only efl? but i'd be the first one to compare esl with efl! only one with time too! damn i have to revise this tesol quarterly article!!!

annoying

i find it annoying to have all those people asking me "so do you know what you're going to do your research on?" because the answer is no, i don't know, i am freaking out. not completely yet, but starting to get there, really.

i wish i could do this thing really quickly, write and defend my proposal this fall semester already... but if i don't know what my research will be about, i doubt this will happen. CRAP, i said i was going to revise my TESOL Quarterly article this summer... haven't done anything. they thought it might be an interesting topic, this nonnative stuff, with the time component, which no one has done before, and george thought so too, but he's very encouraging, i don't know how much of that is really interesting for the field. plus i am thinking that it's not because something has not been done yet that someone has to do it. yes, having "original" ideas is nice, but the original idea can be crap, so that's not helpful...

administration, i love administration... i loved the human resource class... very interesting stuff. how could i combine that with ESL? how could i work in switzerland? what's with their new language legislations and regulation stuff? ok, cat = not going anywhere... put the cat at my parents' house while i'm doing research in switzerland? hehe... poor cat!

i don't like my academic writing style... anais said it sucked but i knew that already, i hate to write and i write super long sentences that make no sense and that are totally boring and dumb and bad. and i'm an english teacher, yeah! i mean, i couldn't write in french either, it'd be even worse. what can i do to improve my writing style? write more? haven't i written a LOT already? how many papers have i written in my life??? don't i read a lot? isn't it a fact that the more you read the better you write? that's what i tell my students... seems to be a lie.

i read parts of a dissertation by fox about ITAs... scary how much it ressembles my MA thesis! same kind of stuff, same lit review, same analysis of the results, same questions... i guess it's because i used her questionnaire as the basis of my research... i changed many of the questions but you can still see that my questionnaires come from hers. and i didn't even cite her, i think, i mean i cited a paper that cited her, but i've lost that paper and never have been able to find it again, plus it wasn't a published paper, it was something that george had found and had sent me. i should really try to find this thing again...

i'm reading prodigal summer by barbara kingsolver. hard to read. weird style. so far so good.

useful?

i wonder if what i want to do is useful

i just want to get done quickly and easily, but i see that working again with the same topic drives me crazy... or bores me, really...
plus the more i think about it the less i find a use for this research. i mean, we all know what problems and strengths ESL/EFL teachers have... now what?? this is also what i think about our TESOL caucus.... what's the point anymore? the only thing is that NNEST are still discriminated against when they try to find jobs, but what can we do about that? change our names? change colors? erase our accents?

so that, and the question of time... yeah no one else has done it ok, but now what?
question of administration... what on earth could i do about that?
i like administration.

i love the stuff about educational policies, i think i would love to work with switzerland, for example, on a curriculum or something like that, for those new cantons that will have English as a first second language. i liked sociolinguistics but i don't know if i'm passionated enough about it either...

what else insterests me? i don't like pur linguistics stuff, and i hate phonology. i wasn't VERY interested in world englishes. i mean, it's interesting, but then what? is the point only to say that all kinds of englishes are valuable? to make sociolinguistic profiles of all countries of the world?

hello

hello