ze niouz

am finally writing my last chapter! i didn't know how to write and organize the thing so i just started with a summary of the findings. then, i read my chapter 2 (lit. review) and everytime i read something that corroborated or contradicted my findings, i mentionned it in my chapter 8. little by little, i plugged in some info about previous studies and how mine answered, contradicted, proved, or added to previous studies. that was useful but a bit tedious, but at least now i have a decent first section of chapter 8.

then i sat in my sofa with a pencil and some paper and imagined that i was at a conference and that i had to tell people how cool my study was and why, and how the findings were going to be a revolution in the field. haha. that worked quite nicely, actually, and i came up with some good suggestions for teacher education and intensive english program administration.

i also re-read the grant proposal i wrote that got me the big TIRF grant and found some ideas i had forgotten about the implications of my findings--plugged that in in my last chapter too, but i think it's the section that still needs the most work.

finally, i read someone's dissertation. it's someone that i admire and who wrote a very important dissertation that relates closely to mine, so i thought i would be inspired by his last chapter... and i read it... and IT WAS TERRIBLY BAD! goodness, it made me feel so good about my own stuff that i felt a sudden inspiration and wrote a few good things about future studies and the limitations of my research. that was very funny.

other than that, i wrote to the format guy about the 400 pages and he said he didn't care, it was the boiler copy maker people who made those kinds of decisions. so i called the boiler copy people and was told that i could go between 350 and 450 without a problem. good!!

and yesterday i finally got the check for the second part of my grant... and today, i got a new computer. i really wanted to wait until i am in canada and can get a new computer as a "first paycheck celebration" kind of thing, but i need something that works well and doesn't smoke as soon as i turn it on. and tonight, it started smelling like burnt plastic so there, i was free of debts for 24 hours, that felt good, that's no longer the case.

may 13th, i'll make it.

hurried

sorry i don't write much. i am so tired it's not even funny. i want to finish my dissertation by mai 13, that's the goal, and there's still a lot of work to be done. i think i'll have to divide my text into two volumes because i'll have approximately 400 pages in the end, with 150 pages of appendices.

i work on chapter 8 and the appendices, these days. add stuff here and there, try to come up with ideas... on sunday, i tried to imagine i was talking at a conference and it helped. i know what i want to do later, and i've known for a while now, but it's becoming clearer and clearer. i hope i'll be able to do it with my new job and that it'll count towards tenure.

aveux

i hate my life sometimes...

format

met with the "format" guy this morning. i am not sure whose hay fever was worse, huhuh... he said i was good with most of the stuff except that i had put 3 spaces after my titles but they were 1.5 spaces (which is what i use for my text) and they had to be single-line spaces. also, i thought the dissertation would be printed on both sides of the pages and had mirrored everything (margins, page numbers, etc.) but it's not. he showed me examples of vitas and appendices and now i know how to do everything right. the great thing is he said i didn't have to see him again before binding the whole thing! just at the end, to bring him the two copies he wants and so he can give me one last signature. one less thing to worry about.

other than that, i'm done writing 2 sections of chapter 8 and working on the new and improved format of chapters 1-4. haven't gotten chapters 5 and 6 back from margie yet. i have one month left before i need to turn in the whole thing. seems like a long time and not such a long time... i wish i were done tomorrow, and at the same time, i wish i had more time to polish the darn thing.

i have a hard time writing because of my terrible allergies (itching eyes and continuous sneezing among others (i'm not kidding, i had lunch at basil thai today and sneezed at least 30 times in a row there and the whole restaurant was laughing!)) and because it's getting hot here and my old computer is overheating really really quickly. need to get a new one :(

putting it all together

for the first time i'm going to try and create a huge document with everything in it so i can print it. crazy. not sure how long it'll be. appendix G is done, thanks to veronica's help. and i did calculate that thing i had forgotten, it was too important, and calculated it on the wrong data set and wasted an entire day because of it :( took me 2 hours to calculate, then i entered the stuff for one hour before realizing that something was wrong and i was so mad i just quit for the day. anyway, it's done and entered and right, now.

so, i wrote one and a half sections in chapter 8 (out of 8 sections i'd say), i'm rewriting a bit of chapter 5 to add the new data, and... i think that's about it. i'm waiting for chapters 5 and 6 (which i resubmitted) from margie.

i am REALLY REALLY starting to panick. i have one month and one week left before i need to turn in the whole darn thing! this is going to be tight!

goodness, i need to learn how to breathe...

ok, 230 pages of text and references, plus 12 pages of intro, plus 110 pages of appendices. and chapter 8 is barely started.

it's a sign

when i lose patience with my cats, it's a bad sign of stress. that's when i smoke the year's only cigarette and have to go outside even though it's 80 degrees fahrenheit to try and breathe again, for a minute at least.

finished revising my chapter 7. now i just need to re-send my chapter 6 to margie, write 8, and revise 1 and 8 and i'll be done. i started writing chapter 8. it's very hard. plus i realized that i completely forgot to calculate one very very important thing and it's going to take me a while to do it. i looked at the influence of students' first languages on their answers but did not look at the TEACHERS' first languages! you'd think that students taught by a japanese teacher would not give the same answers than if they had a teacher, say, from england. i'm not even sure how i'll analyze this. the influence of all the other variables was easy to calculate: 3 groups of students x whatever variable. but now i don't have the 3 groups... i have many groups of teachers: north american, english-speaking but not noth american (england, etc.), and all the other languages (russian, chinese, etc.). and i don't know if i can use the 3 groups of students, it looks pointless... i'll try with and without... i have a headache just thinking about it already.

got an appointment with the director of the writing center to discuss stuff i can do and read over the summer to get ready for my new job. also have an appointment with the "format" guy on thursday because i'll have to leave the country right after my defense in june so i need to get started on the revisions as soon as possible.

i am very, very tired. not physically. mentally. very dead, even. i keep working but it's like i'm a robot. as soon as the semester's over (in two weeks), i'll go spend a weekend at my sister's and just vedge in front of the tv for a few days.

update

haven't given up yet but there's always hope...

am done revising chapter 6, halfway done revising chapter 7, and have started chapter 8. well, the outline, at least. this last one is going to be the toughest. this morning i still had to go to campus and calculate some dumb p values that i had forgotten to calculate for my anovas... gggrrrr....

i'm going to make an appointment to meet with the "format" guy in the grad school office so i can start making the necessary changes before the defense.

kitty defended yesterday, beth got an offer, chris is going to one of the carolinas, yufeng to pennsylvania... it's crazy to see everyone getting ready to leave. i'm glad i won't stay after all, it would have been depressing without all these people around plus those who have already left...

hi xiaoye :) miss ya!

just a thought:

I HATE THE US POSTAL SERVICE! the more you pay, the more likely your letter is going to be lost and/or the more likely it's going to take six months to reach its destination! CANADA IS NOT UZBEKISTAN, DAMMIT!

i swear, if i don't hear ONE good news soon, anything, i'm giving up!

choubidoubidou

done revising chapter 5. it was tough and i hated it. it went from 54 to 33 pages! muuuuch better! i still can't make myself start the last chapter. i say it's because i haven't gotten any feedback from margie on chapter 7 yet, but i think that it's just because i am stuck, sometimes. happened with revising my chapter 3, it took me forever to get back to it. it's ok, because i always have something else to do. for example organizing my appendixes, writing the table of content, numbering tables and figures (haha, that's the worst part of my dissertation!), etc. so i don't waste time, i just don't do the urgent stuff. sue me :P

i've decided to leave lafayette earlier than expected (if all my papers are in order, that is). beginning or middle of july, probably. and i'll take the cats with me right away so we'll have more time to get used to our new home. talking about papers, in one week i'll start panicking for real. right now, i only somehow panic.

ok, back to watching good night and good luck working on my table of content...

and the nightmare continues...

done revising chapters 2, 3, and 4. 4 was a nightmare. but 5 and 6 are going to be a living hell. i HATE chapter 5. with a passion! 6 is totally unfun too but not as bad as chapter 5.

and i need to start my last chapter :( the excellent news is that veronica is going to help me with my appendix G! haha!

is there an end to this nightmare? does it ever get better? does life have a purpose? does god exist? who am i?

ready to be done!

i can't take it anymore! i have one month to finish everything!!! margie will return my chapters 2, 4, 5, 6, and maybe even 7 tomorrow and then i'll have a fun time making billions of revisions... and i have to write my final chapter. i am so sick of all this!

today, i worked on my appendixes. appendices?? did you know that my appendix G is 49 pages long? Appendix D is about 20 pages, and F is about 30... tables tables tables tables numbers numbers numbers numbers!

margie said, on friday, that she liked my chapters 2 and 4. i don't like 5 and 6 and she probably won't either. i like 7.

i just want to be done!!!!!!

what else is new? i'm anxiously waiting for news about my work permit. i know it's too early but i'm still anxious. my parents will come on the 27th of july to help me move and also for my sister's baby (due the 2nd) and my graduation (on the 5th). i booked a couple of hotel rooms for us since i'll be out of my appartment after the 31st of july! crazy! i want to have a big dinner with friends on the 4th (if i can make it, i'll have to drive 10 hours that day to come back to lafayette) and then a dinner just with my parents on the 5th. i don't think i've been with them alone in a long, long time. ... and then i'll drive 10 hours back "home" on the 6th. crazy!